It’s been about two weeks since my last post and what a roller coaster it has been! My mom went back home for a while and we miss her like crazy. But after a month together, we were able to see that we didn’t need her as much as we thought….which is a good thing! It means I’m doing well and can handle this!! She’ll be back later when it’s time to greet baby Joaquin. As you can see in the photo below, he’s growing like a champ! I’m working hard every day to make sure I’m eating well to keep him (and me) healthy.
After my mom left, Sasha had an extremely busy work week, so I was left in solitude for the first time since before my first chemo. I realized it was the first time I had allowed myself to truly honor this experience….fully. Yes, some of these feelings had come up now and again and yes, I can be open with my mom about what I’m going through, but there was definitely a sort of “bravery” I’d put on for her (I think we were both doing it). So, in my solitude, I “went there”. I cried, I was angry, I felt helpless, I was sad, I felt sorry for myself and allowed any other dark emotions to pass through me. Some emotions lingered longer than others as I struggled to find joy.
After a few days of this, the dark part of my experience began fading away. I felt lucky that the weather was corresponding with what I had been feeling. The days had been chilly and gloomy. The sun was hiding and so was I. Just as I was turning the corner…so was the weather. Sasha encouraged me to go outside. I did. I sat on our back steps and the clouds had cleared and were letting the sun back in. I focused on my breath and let the simplicity of life back into my body. The sun shone on me, the birds reminded me of the songs of life and I was grateful to be alive again. I could feel love seeping back in.
It’s important to honor the experience before jumping into warrior mode. I was doing well with the flow of emotions immediately after the diagnosis (lots of healthy releasing etc) but I feel I delayed a lot of my current emotions in order to protect my mom from becoming worried about me. She never asked this of me…it’s just something I noticed after she left. Now, I’m back to the day by day honesty of how I’m feeling. Every day is different. Every day I start over. I let the emotions pass through me and try not to attach myself to them. I acknowledge them and let them go. Sometimes I sit with them a little longer, but every day I look for love and try to keep it as close as possible. Some days are more difficult than others…but I just keep starting over.
Chemo #3 happened last Monday. I still have difficulty preparing myself to go through with it. The fear of the unknown is still there for me, but this time, I made a bit of time to center myself, do a bit of yoga, and engulf myself with love and light. It was an incredible help and I’ll make sure to make time for that in the future too.
The infusion itself was non eventful (which is good!) and I was so grateful to have taken it so well. I hope this is a pattern that continues for my future treatments. My infusion nurse said it has everything to do with attitude…I’m starting to believe her. Here we are right after the treatment feeling like champs 😉
This last week after chemo has been different than the other two times. While the other two treatments knocked me down immediately after, this one didn’t. I felt pretty normal…just tired. The same could be said about the following days after chemo. I was overall just more tired than usual…but all very manageable. No nausea…just sleepier. Sasha enforced a strict “no work” policy on me and made sure all I did was watch movies and eat. This was extremely difficult for me as I usually insist on staying busy even if it’s from bed. But I’m glad he did. It really helped me out and helped my body get the rest it clearly needed.
I finally turned the corner energy-wise on Saturday. It’s such a distinct feeling to wake up and just feel “clear” after being so muddy for many days. I took advantage of it and did some cooking as well as tons of laundry. I felt very grateful to have the energy to be able to do such mediocre house tasks.
Now, I move forward with my daily spiritual practice of embracing love and letting my soul experience freely, continue nourishing my body (the magic bone broth recipe is coming soon!) and mind (trying to get my hands on a copy of A Course in Miracles), connect to the joys of growing a baby, navigate the healthcare system of insurance and billing, create a baby registry, prep the house for baby, learn what to do with a baby (eek!) and maybe take a birthing class or something 😉
Wish me luck!