Ay yay yay….that was a doozy of a week!
Last Sunday, I was gearing up to go in for my 2nd round of chemo. Psychologically, it’s difficult to wrap your brain around getting injected with poison. But then, you have to ease into it, trust that you’ve made the best choice for the situation, believe that it’s all part of something bigger, and face it head on with a strength that is seeded deep within us all.
Monday morning, we went in as ready as we could be and the pre-process went better than last time. There was no difficulty with the IV where I almost fainted after my vein lost a small battle with a needle. IV was in with the first try and I was then ready for the infusion.
After my last treatment, I suffered from some pretty gnarly “chemo mouth sores” which made it close to impossible to eat anything other than soups. Seeing as gaining and keeping weight on during treatments is one of my main goals for a healthy baby/body…I did everything I could to avoid the mouth sores this time. Being the Research Queen that I am, I read that some patients had major success of avoiding mouth sores by eating frozen stuff before/during/after the infusion. I decided to give it a try and froze some Trader Joe’s Watermelon/Cucumber juice. It was fun for the first 20 minutes or so and then it became increasingly difficult as I quickly grew tired of the sugar/flavor/being cold. But I’m so glad I kept up with it because…so far so good….no mouth sores!!!! But next time, I may dilute the juice a bit more so the sugar doesn’t make me feel ill.
Back home, I spent some time outside getting some fresh air, drinking my green juice with a Viva Vivian bag full of goodies to keep me occupied. But all I really did was alternate from listening to the birds, meditating, and listening to music with an extra pair of headphones for baby Joaquin in my belly 🙂
I grew tired quickly and spent the rest of the day in bed with Smooch. As the evening came, I began feeling more fatigued than I ever had in my life. About a 2.5 out of 10. It was scary. I could barely keep my eyes open or even stand for very long. I’d never felt like that before and I feared how long it would last. It’s so difficult to stay positive when you feel so low. I centered myself around my breath. I surrounded myself and baby in white light. I meditated and prayed with a strong and vibrant heart. I fell asleep hoping for the best.
I woke up Tuesday morning feeling like a new woman. The fatigue was gone. Hope was flowing, and I looked out my window at the morning sun with so much gratitude that I had made it through. I went to see my acupuncturist and she helped me feel even better. I came home and felt deeply, deeply, happy for the first time in months. Sure, I had felt moments of happiness or quickly fleeting joy, but since the diagnosis in March, there’s been a sort of heaviness within me that had been difficult to shake for more than a few moments at a time. Staying positive and filled with light takes so much more effort during difficult times. So when I recognized that happiness on Tuesday, I stopped in my tracks, put my hand to my heart, bowed my head and let it sit in.
The rest of the week was kinda bumpy. I never knew how I’d be feeling from one moment to the next. I would have spurts of energy followed by big, big, lows. Something that helped me get through has been this Beef Bone Mineral Broth from the cookbook The Cancer Fighting Kitchen. What an energy boosting drink! But even with all my supplements and nutritious foods that my sweet mother was making for me, I found myself fighting fatigue this week with all I had.
On Friday, after being cooped up in the house all week, we knew we needed to shake things up no matter how we were feeling. A reward for a very difficult week for us all. My mom wanted to treat us to a nice dinner, so we all jumped on the metro and headed downtown. It was a much needed distraction and we had a blast with dozens of laughs. As unfortunate as our circumstance can be, I’m so grateful to be getting this time in with my mom. We haven’t spent this much time together since I was a kid and I’m loving it. She’s such a special woman with so much love to give and I’m happy to be getting a massive dose of it right now. Sasha and I would be so lost without her.
Saturday was our 6 year wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, I was incredibly fatigued all day and spent most of it in bed. I’ve already requested a “do-over” for when I’m feeling better 🙂
One of the things I’m struggling with right now is the idea that these are our last few months together before having a baby and all energy is being spent on taking care of me. I wish I had more ability to be doing fun things together without being tired all the time. I wish the burden of medical bills wasn’t keeping us from taking some last minute adventures or romantic dinners. I do find myself slipping into a bit of self-pity when I see others living in such ease or complaining about the mundane. I get overwhelmed sometimes by the visceral desire “to be normal”, but it quickly passes. These are the moments that require more internal strength and perspective changing. I work on it constantly and it is a daily challenge.
Ohhhhh, but all those limiting thoughts quickly zip out the window as soon as I feel a swift kick in my belly or catch a glimpse of my growing baby in the mirror. Baby Joaquin is a major source of strength. He fuels me daily to fill myself up with emotional and nutritional love. I thank him constantly for reminding me of what a gift this precious life is no matter what I’m going through and I thank God all day “for this beautiful life”.
Thank you for checking in. Thank you for your prayers, love, and light.